


There are no cameras here, Jungwoo

by YingCas



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood, Canon Compliant, Depression, Everything gets better, Explicit Language, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Jungwoo hiatus, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, New Friendships, Suicide Attempt, Violence, agh what am I doing, hate comments, i don't know how to tag, neo city tour, we love you Jungwoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:17:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23065018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YingCas/pseuds/YingCas
Summary: The fear in Kun’s eyes was something that Jungwoo definitely didn’t envy. Because Jungwoo at least got to debut, so he was safe. And his idol persona was somewhat based on his real one too, all of theirs were. He was playful in real life, and maybe his high voice made him seem a bit more feminine. He was about to turn 21, it wasn’t like he could try again if he turned it down this time. The contract wasn’t that bad, he was okay.Why did he feel so miserable then?(I don't know how to write summaries)
Relationships: Kim Jungwoo/Moon Taeil
Comments: 17
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> So, I wrote this during Jungwoo’s hiatus, but I was scared to post it because I felt like I was crossing too many boundaries with it. Even now, as we’ve all seen him return healthy, I wasn’t sure whether I should post this at all. But remember, this is just a story, I don’t know Jungwoo - none of us know Jungwoo. I just wanted to play with the idea of fake personalities and the struggles that the idols face in the industry. Please please PLEASE read the tags carefully, and stay safe guys!

Innocent. Happy. Child-like. Stupid.

Innocent. Happy. Child-like. Stupid.

_ Innocent. Happy. Child-like. Stupid. _

That was all that he was now. _Innocent, happy, child-like, and stupid._ Jungwoo repeated those four personality traits in his head like a mantra before stepping in front of the cameras. They wanted him to act innocent, like a puppy who would constantly jump around his hyungs demanding love with his high voice.

He had never hated his voice more. If he had a lower voice like Jaehyun for example, he could have gotten another set of personality traits. Something that would be less tiring to keep up. Or maybe he could be like Taeyong who got to be pretty much anything he decided and be loved and praised for it.

But Taeyong was a senior to him already. He had debuted before him, led rookie shows long before Jungwoo was even considered becoming one of them. Jungwoo could maybe be himself as well if he just held on for a few years, just long enough to have his own place in the industry. He just had to hold on, he just had to keep up the facade of an innocent, happy, child-like, and idiotic boy for a while, until enough people liked him and the company would let him be a bit more himself.

And it could have been worse. For Lucas, they strictly stated that he had to be a boy with a great, manly body but little in his brain. Funny, but an air-head. Because girls apparently liked that and they lacked those people in NCT. Oh, and because of the age conflict, he was to promote Dream by constantly talking about wanting to join them. Lucas was a model, first and foremost, and since his language skills were lacking, he should act stupid and make that into a joke if he wanted to keep his place. No one wanted to watch a struggling idol but a little stupid, handsome boy playing jokes?

Jungwoo could see the hurt in his eyes as he tried his very best to hide it, nodding enthusiastically instead. 

For Kun, they just told him to stay quiet. He could speak if addressed, otherwise, stay out of the way. They needed 18 members for NCT 2018, but he shouldn’t be lulled into that - they could still kick him out at the end of the year if he didn’t fulfill their requirements.

The fear in Kun’s eyes was something that Jungwoo didn’t envy. Because Jungwoo at least got to debut, so he was safe. And his idol persona was _somewhat_ based on his real one, all of theirs were. He was playful in real life, and maybe his high voice made him seem a bit more feminine. He was about to turn 21, it wasn’t like he could try again if he turned it down this time. The contract wasn’t that bad, he was okay.

Why did he feel so miserable then?

Crying on his debut day? Okay, many idols did that, and his managers actually praised him for getting it all on camera so nicely - the fans would swoon over the crying puppy. Snoopy. 

Unlike Lucas, who was supposed to be an over-confident hottie, Jungwoo was allowed to show his nervousness. He could show his tears. Fans loved it. He was added to 127 (which he was promised before with the condition that he became popular enough) and the other members welcomed him warmly. He felt safe with his hyungs and even Mark and Donghyuck made sure he understood everything and was looked after. He got the support he needed and was happy. 

He liked physical contact a lot and found people who did as well. As a trainee, he had often been called gay or something by the others, but his group mates were just like him - Starving for touch they themselves consented to. Or, well, not all of them wanted that, but most. Jungwoo got to know sides of them he never knew existed.

Taeil especially really surprised Jungwoo. They hadn’t been all that close as rookies but after Jungwoo joined 127, Taeil took it upon himself to make sure that Jungwoo felt comfortable in every way. When Taeyong had to lead the entire group, Taeil made sure that Jungwoo was always okay. They talked a lot, got to know each other, and were both really touchy, which was a plus. Jungwoo felt content, leaning against him during car trips and whenever. He didn’t have to fear rejection that had always been constant in his past life.

Taeil was only shy on camera, but Jungwoo could deal with that - they weren’t being themselves then anyway.

Jungwoo’s happiness didn’t last for long though. It all came crashing down on him when the year ended. Because that was when Sicheng left.

Jungwoo wasn’t all that close to Sicheng personally. Of course, they were groupmates but they were so different that, had they met each other in real life they would have never been friends. He was cute, but their sense of humor didn’t match at all, not to even mention the enormous language barrier that Jungwoo had thought to have tackled with Lucas but he had been wrong. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter though. They got along and worked well as a group - they didn’t need to be best friends to do that.

Anyway, he left, and at the start, nothing really changed for Jungwoo because Sicheng had mainly been a dancer and quiet in interviews. When the tour was announced, however, all hell got loose.

Jungwoo had known about it way beforehand of course, and he had had the time to prepare for the publication. But nothing could prepare him for the backlash and hate that he got. Not them as a group, but _him. _ He was called unworthy of it, just a replacement for Winwin, a disgusting_ faggot_ who had nothing to offer, no talent at all, and he wasn’t even handsome. They compared him to Winwin in every way possible, and he lost again and again and again. He wasn’t even good enough to be a replacement.

At first, he managed to brush the comments off as hate, just like he had been taught to do. If an artist took every mean comment to heart, he couldn’t live. Jungwoo tried his best to ignore it and it seemed to work, for a while.

But then, as the tour got closer and Sicheng’s absence for that was officially confirmed, Jungwoo fell. It was then when the fansites, the _fans _of NCT started to question his place and call him a replacement. They masked the accusations well, just claiming that they were trying to get justice for the poor, mistreated Winwin. It was always “I mean, Jungwoo is lovely, but”. That **_but _**started to haunt him, and eventually, he started to believe those comments.

Because they were the truth. He was nothing but a replacement.

He had to learn so many choreographies in such a short time, and in most cases, he _did_ take over Sicheng’s parts in the choreo. He didn’t have a place of his own, he just filled someone else’s. When they recorded their songs again for the tour, he got to sing some of Winwin’s parts, and Donghyuck and Doyoung had to share their already short lines with him. They assured him that they were alright with it and that he deserved those lines, but Jungwoo could see them biting their tongues and looking at the vocal coach harshly when he split their parts again and again and again.

During practice, the dance instructor had to stop so many times because of Jungwoo. Of course, _ because he was such a shitty dancer, he just couldn’t copy Sicheng’s grace and beauty_. He was just mediocre at everything he did. The others couldn’t always hide their frustrations and they blew up every now and then. They made sure to always apologize and assure him that it wasn’t his fault and that Jungwoo was doing so well considering how little time he had had to learn everything. That he was outstanding. But Jungwoo couldn’t believe their lies, not anymore.

Once they set their feet on American ground, Jungwoo was already dead tired. Mark, Johnny, and Jaehyun had such a huge burden on their shoulders, everyone was making sure they were alright. Jungwoo was just selfish, not being able to really help them or make things easier for them. 

Jungwoo tried his best to act happy and sometimes, during their activities when they hung out together and explored the city, filmed silly games and vlives, he could forget his pain for a short while. But when the activities ended, it all came crashing down on him and he would cry himself to sleep. He refused to go out every time he wouldn’t have to, and he just stayed on the tour bus, sleeping and crying and staring at the roof. He knew that the others noticed, but there was nothing he could do about it. Going out made him anxious, he didn’t feel like he was worthy of having anything good happen to him.

Taeil tried his best to cheer him up. He brought Jungwoo food to the bus and hung out with him, and hugged him a lot, but the comments echoed in Jungwoo’s head more and more loudly each day. The words of their vocal coaches, dance teachers, rap teachers, acting teachers - they all echoed in his head and didn’t even allow him to sleep anymore. And in the morning, the make-up noonas would scream at him for being so ugly. Why had he even come? He was only causing trouble here, he should have stayed at home, he should have joined another unit where he wouldn’t be an addition but just be Jungwoo, whose personality wouldn’t be determined by those who were better and debuted before him.

Or maybe he shouldn’t have debuted at all if he was just going to fuck up and ruin everything for everyone.

His manager hit him. After their fifth concert, where Jungwoo had messed up the choreography a few times, his voice had cracked and he had cried twice in between the performances for being so incredibly anxious, the manager greeted him backstage with a painful slap on his cheek.

It was humiliating. Most of the people had gone already, only Jaehyun, Mark and Donghyuck were around taking off their mics. They all remained silent as the manager screamed at him, asking him what the fuck was wrong with him and that he had better wake up and get himself together or he would personally drive him to the nearest airport and throw him to the next flight back to Korea. He scolded him for his poor nerves, which were no fit for an idol, and his unprofessionalism despite the fact that Jungwoo had always gotten himself together and performed almost perfectly otherwise. This American tour was a major opportunity not only for NCT but also SM, and the manager was not going to watch him ruin that.

Jungwoo had done his best. He knew very well that he wasn’t worth much, so when the manager screamed, all he could do was cry. The manager screamed at him for that as well, but Jungwoo just didn’t know how to stop. He hated this, he hated himself, and honestly, he just wanted to go home. He had thought that it would get better after the debut but it had all just been a lie. He used to comfort himself by thinking that SM never made mistakes and that they saw something in him, something wonderful. But listening to the manager scream, even the smallest hope shattered in his heart. They had made a mistake, even his boss was regretting hiring him and training him.

He hadn’t even realized that the manager had raised his hand to slap him again, but Jaehyun stepped in between them before he could do that.

“Hyung, don’t do this to him. He said he was sorry, there’s no use in screaming at him anymore”, Jaehyun’s voice was tired but firm, convincing, low, so beautiful. Opposite of Jungwoo in every way.

Donghyuck stepped next to Jungwoo and carefully took his hand, but that only made him cry more. He liked the contact and honestly, he would have wanted to just hug him and never let go. But he was older than him. And so lacking, he wasn’t even a good hyung anymore, because they had to see him like that. So… vulnerable and weak. Screamed at by his manager.

“Yeah, he is right”, Mark joined Jaehyun in defending him. “We’re all just tired, hyung, let’s sleep over it and talk about it tomorrow”. 

The manager seemed to calm down just a bit. He wouldn’t get mad at Mark and Jaehyun anyway, they were such good idols and performers, they had power over the stupid manager if they so wanted to. Unlike Jungwoo, who was nothing in his eyes. 

“Okay, fine”, the manager said, raising both of his hands up in defense. His eyes didn’t soften though, and his tone stayed harsh. “You talk some sense into him then. But this better be the last time I see something like this. Understand?”

“We understand”, Jaehyun answered, after realizing that Jungwoo was sobbing so badly that he couldn’t do it himself. After the manager had left, Jaehyun and Mark both turned around to see him, but he kept his eyes on the floor. He felt hurt but most of all embarrassed, and disappointed in himself.

Jaehyun hugged him, and Jungwoo lost all hope of maybe getting himself to calm down. Donghyuck still rubbing his back, Mark tried to soothe him by talking to him about how he had done so well considering his experience, or the lack of it, and that the manager was just tired himself. Jungwoo should not take it too deep into his heart. 

So, he should man up, that’s what he meant. He wasn’t really even a man anymore, was he?

Crying pathetically in front of his dongsaengs who most likely didn’t really see him as a hyung anyway, being so much more experienced than he was. Jungwoo felt humiliated yet he couldn’t stop crying. He wished someone else had been there - maybe Taeil or Taeyong - but in the end, what difference would that make? He was still the useless brat that everyone always insisted he was.

But he couldn’t leave. He couldn’t get kicked out. Because that meant giving up and as much as Jungwoo wanted to do that, he couldn’t. Because there was nothing he could return to. He had neglected his studies because of this, he couldn’t give up after the first minor setback. Because this was his life now, and if he had to live as a replacement, then so be it. Because the only other option was to… was to die.

He couldn’t leave SM and go back home. His father would never let him back in as a failure, after fighting with him for years over this decision. Jungwoo would never be able to admit he had been wrong. As a failure, he wouldn’t be their son anymore. He couldn’t go back to school, he would become some low life, working for something that didn’t need a degree. He would have to live the rest of his life knowing that his own weakness took his dreams away from him.

He couldn’t do it. He would rather kill himself.

So, it was about life and death now. In order to stay there and get the life he wanted, actually live as an idol, he had to get up and fight. Be the best fucking replacement anyone had ever seen. And to do that, he had to stop falling and slowing everyone down. He had to_ STOP CRYING. _

He leaned away from Jaehyun’s embrace and wiped his tears to his sleeve. He still couldn’t look up, knowing he would only see pitying faces that would waver his decision. He should be perfect, the manager had every right to be mad at him for being such a wuss. Maybe he was supposed to _act _like a puppy, he wasn’t supposed to _be _a puppy. He was supposed to act like the openly gayest member in the whole group, but he was not supposed to be one. Act soft but stay tough.

“Ah, sorry”, Jungwoo said, and his voice cracked. He stepped away from the hug and tried to wipe his tears. It wasn't like it mattered much - these people had already seen them - but he didn't want _everyone_ to know.

“No, the manager was overreacting”, Jaehyun said. He still kept a hand on his back, and the touch warmed Jungwoo’s heart but also filled in with warm poison that made him feel like he didn’t deserve any comforting from them. 

“Hyung?” Donghyuck’s voice, raw from all of the perfect singing he had delivered during the concert, found him when he didn’t answer right away. “Hyung, we should put some ice on your cheek, come on”

“No, it’s fine”, Jungwoo forced out and pulled his hand off from where Donghyuck had grabbed it, trying to pull him behind himself. He didn’t deserve that. He saw Donghyuck’s big eyes, filled with surprise and a little bit of hurt, and Jungwoo felt even worse if that was possible. He turned away from them and ran, not caring about their yells after him. 

He would deserve that title again. He would deserve it all.

So, Jungwoo stopped crying altogether. He didn’t cry when his mother called him, asking how he had been and telling him how proud she was. He didn’t cry when the manager slapped him one, two, three times again. He didn’t cry when everyone else did at the ending ments, he didn’t cry even when he was completely alone in the middle of the night, feeling homesick and lonely in his heart despite literally sharing a bus with eight other people.

Instead, he directed all his energy into the work. Most importantly, the interviews - he went all-in with his idol personality, always speaking when he got the chance and not caring if he got cringey. 

He watched every single video of himself uploaded to the internet. The compilations of funny moments, fancams of him dancing, everything. He read all comments he could find and understand and worked hard to build his image on top of them. Okay, so this is what they wanted to see. So this is what he would be. Every time he saw a negative comment, he would take a screenshot and save it in his heart as well. He would work even harder so that one day, he would be perfect.

He honestly thought that he was doing well. The sleepless nights in the tour bus were no longer filled with tears, but instead, he kept building his strategy.

They slept in a hotel very rarely. They had an expensive bus for a reason. However, they had to kiss it goodbye in Los Angeles, because bringing it to Canada would be unnecessarily difficult and expensive. 

That meant hotel rooms in Canada.

Jungwoo felt okay. Good actually, for as long as he didn’t stop to think about it for too long. He still couldn’t sleep well and struggled to keep up with the others, but he nailed every single performance and interview. He got praise for his comedic sense, his hyper energy, and his bravery, not fearing to become the butt of the joke. Most of the stuff they had filmed hadn’t even aired yet, but he got lots of pats on his back.

He also got some eye rolls and not so subtle comments from his members, who sometimes got tired of his shit. He ignored them. They would come around - this was him now, and they had to deal with it. 

In Toronto, Jungwoo just so happened to share a room with Taeil. When the other people started to touch him less and ignore his episodes, Taeil spent even more time with him. Bending the line between really close friendship and something else, sexual and romantic, happened a lot. It wasn’t like they were all gay and sleeping with each other like the fans liked to believe they were, but they were young men. Hormones all over the place, it wasn't like they could all have girlfriends who they could meet regularly, they could barely jack off. They all craved for contact, and they all knew it.

It was a series of unspoken rules, and some understood them better than others. Mark, for example, would back off from all physical contact so he would never do anything with anyone, and Sicheng had been just like him. Doyoung and Jaehyun were similar, but they had on/off girlfriends, and Johnny had recently started dating someone from the company so he backed off as well. But he had not always been like that - the infamous JohnTen couple had been a thing in the past and had ended with countless fights after Johnny had debuted in 127.

No one ever talked about these relationships that happened inside kpop groups. They didn’t even talk about them among themselves. Usually, people found out long after something had ended, that’s how Jungwoo knew about Johnny and Ten. Jungwoo couldn’t even call them relationships usually, since all there was to it was… well, cuddle time that lasted for a bit too long, showers that were taken together out of habit and convenience, awkward morning woods and truth or dares, convenience was the magic word. It was often so subtle that one would not even notice anything was happening if he wasn’t directly involved himself.

Jungwoo was one of those ‘cuddlers’. Taeil was one, Taeyong was one, even Donghyuck was one but he was treated like a baby by most of them. Jungwoo even remembered some very interesting encounters with Jaemin, Jeno, Dejun, and Guanheng from his trainee days, although he couldn’t be all that sure anymore. The reason why Jungwoo had learned to understand that was not because they had talked about it as a group or anything - no, one of his sunbaes in the company had taken it upon himself to tell him and some other rookies how these things worked, back in the day.

Anyway. Jungwoo had gotten closer to Taeil during the tour and he saw those glances that the older always tried to hide. Jungwoo had cuddled with Taeil a lot even before coming on tour, he knew him well, better than anyone else. They had slept beside each other before, taken showers together, and although Taeil would sometimes shy away from skinship, there were times when he would reach out for it as well. Jungwoo was always ready for him, whenever that happened.

However, Jungwoo hadn’t felt horny in weeks. He hadn’t even really thought about it, being too caught up in his own thoughts. That was weird, and not like him at all. But reading his name next to Taeil’s in the room list, he felt just a little excited. Privacy like this was a luxury that he should use well. He stole a glance at Taeil and seeing his face light up as well filled his stomach with aggressive butterflies.

They ordered room service, talked like they used to, lying right next to each other on the bed just a bit too close for two men. Even if they were friends. Even if they were like family. No - not like family, not like that. Jungwoo brushed a little lock of hair behind Taeil’s ear gently, but his hand never left him. He brushed against his cheek, his chin, his neck, the small stubble that had grown there during the day. The shadow on Taeil’s face made him even more handsome, in Jungwoo’s opinion. He wasn’t one for pretty boys, but he would gladly make an exception with Taeil. Taeil was always an exception anyway.

“Jungwoo, there are no cameras here”, it was always something he said. _ Jungwoo, there are no cameras here. Why are you touching me when no one can see? Touch me more, Jungwoo, like you never would in front of a crowd. _

“I know”, he whispered and pressed his lips against Taeil’s. Taeil answered him immediately, gently, and the burn that Jungwoo had almost forgotten, returned to his stomach quickly. He licked against Taeil’s lips and the older opened his mouth for him. Jungwoo explored, he kissed his cheeks and chin and right below his ear just like he liked it. He climbed on top of the older, feeling him there between his thighs, and he let the night swallow them whole.

Even if they had those moments, nothing really got better in Jungwoo's life. Waking up from Taeil’s arms _did_ feel like a huge upgrade to his life, but seeing him slip away only reminded Jungwoo that it wouldn’t go on like that. Jungwoo still had his mission going on, which was going better but wasn’t finished yet. 

Getting back to Korea didn’t fix anything. Jungwoo had been so sure it would, but he felt just as anxious as in the States. He was just as tired and just as unhappy as he had been. He didn’t cry, not like he had any reason to, he returned to the hectic schedule of South Korea and sleepless nights. 

Lucas welcomed him back happily and immediately demanded to hear everything that had happened on tour. Kun did as well, maybe less aggressively, but just as happily. Jungwoo even saw a glimpse of Sicheng, who smiled at him despite it all. It wasn’t Jungwoo’s fault that he had missed the tour. How could it be, when Jungwoo was so far below him anyway.

And in Thailand and Europe, he and Taeil shared more hotel rooms. More nights, more kisses, steps taken even further until they weren’t just quickies to release tension, but rather moments where they shared love. Taeil moaned his name so beautifully, Jungwoo placed kisses on his thighs and touched him in a way no one else would be allowed to, for now. The other NCT members shared looks whenever they came out of their room together, but no one seemed to judge them for what they did. Jungwoo held Taeil’s hand proudly backstage, and for a moment, he felt like it had been worth it. Even if everything else kept failing and his manager was never satisfied, at least he had Taeil who loved him. He was going to be okay. He believed in it.

For a moment.

“Ah, not now Jungwoo”

Taeil pushed him away at the breakfast table in the hotel cafeteria. They were in Japan now, getting ready for SMTown Tokyo. They were surrounded by their seniors, all Jungwoo did was kiss him on his cheek but Taeil backed away immediately, with a nervous laugh. That was new. Jungwoo looked up to see some people look at them for Taeil’s outburst, just the dreamies and some members of EXO and Red Velvet, who were sitting at the same table as them.

“Haha there are no cameras here Jungwoo, no need for that haha”, Taeil said loudly. Ah, Jungwoo saw how it was. Taeil was clearly embarrassed to be with Jungwoo, he didn’t want anyone to know. It didn't matter that they had made love the night before and Taeil had promised to love him unconditionally, apparently, that didn’t mean in front of their sunbaes. Nevermind these were the same people who had taught them about the idol hook-up culture, people who had slept with each other for years now and knew how it all worked. People who would never judge them for being together romantically. Taeil didn’t want to be associated with_ Jungwoo. _Stupid, ugly, talentless Jungwoo.

Jungwoo excused himself and didn’t eat anything for the whole day. He needed to get rid of the extra fat anyway.

Taeil comforted him later backstage, having clearly seen how upset Jungwoo had been. He pulled the younger after himself to an empty room and apologized.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… I don’t know how they would react! I just… I don’t know if we should reveal this yet”

“Okay sure, I get it, it’s fine”, he would never want that. Jungwoo was never going to be enough for him. The stupid, useless, disgusting Jungwoo.

The rest of SMtown Tokyo went by in a blur. Jungwoo danced like they were his last days on earth, he sang as though his life depended on it. Yet, it wasn’t enough. Jungwoo watched the crowd and couldn’t see a single happy smile meant for him, the screams seemed to be demanding him to be kicked out. He was innocent, happy, child-like, stupid, and everyone suddenly saw through it. They saw the disgusting mush he had become underneath. 

Taeil no longer looked for him. 

So, the moment he got back to Korea, in the middle of the night, he waited until everyone had gone to bed, closed the bathroom door, and slid his wrists open.

It was so easy, he wondered why he hadn’t done it earlier. They all had shavers of some kind, he just had to find blades sharp enough and just press and pull. Jungwoo had never cut himself before, he had never even considered doing it, knowing that as an idol his looks had to be perfect. Always. There was no space for such ugly scars and besides, the company would have kicked him out the moment they saw he had some. No one wanted a broken idol.

Now, it didn’t matter anymore as he was going to die. He made sure to use as much force as he could, to do it quickly. He couldn’t help but gasp out loud at the pain, but it didn’t even feel too bad considering how deep he had cut. The blood running from his hands didn’t even look like his own, it was too clean. Red, dark red, staining the carpet under him.

The others would have to throw it away after they had found him. It wasn’t like blood washed away, not blood that had stood there for a while at least. Jungwoo laid down on the said carpet, waiting for it to end. Had he cut deep enough? Ah whatever, he couldn’t find the strength to reach on the counter to re-cut either. Well, there was quite a lot of blood, maybe that would be enough. 

Lying there on the floor Jungwoo just couldn’t bring himself to regret anything. He just… He just wasn’t fit to live in this world, he had no future there. This was the only option. Only one. He could hear the blood flowing in his ears, hiding the distressing quietness and just filling his mind with clouds as the death kept coming closer. It was reaching its shadowy hands for him, and although Jungwoo had been sure he wanted this, he felt scared.

And then, finally, the darkness lulled him to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, listen. I didn't expect this story to get any readers at all but woah, you guys gave me 20 kudos already! Thank you so much! I was really struggling with this chapter ( I only really had the first chapter and a general storyline ready before posting) and I still kind of hate it but I PROMISE that chapter three is almost done and soooo much better. I hope this is somewhat okay, now, onto the chapter!

“So, what did they say?”

Everyone’s eyes were on Taeil as he returned to the hallway. It was three am in the morning, and all of them had been encouraged to go back to the dorms to sleep but everyone refused. None of them could, not after seeing Jungwoo like that. Not after thinking he was dead. He wasn’t dead, thank god, because they had found him in time. But no one knew what was actually happening. They sat in the hallway, dead quiet, waiting for whatever information they could get.

“They had to perform a surgery on him”, Taeil said, sitting next to Taeyong on one of the uncomfortable stools of the waiting room. “His arterial hemorrhage was so damaged that they had to do that - they had to _sew_ his wrists”

The others only stared at him in horror. Taeyong stroked his back supportively, but Taeil couldn’t even feel it. Taeyong might be the leader of their team at work, but Taeil was the oldest - it was his duty to take care of them in the end. He had talked to Jungwoo’s parents who were the only people able to get the information, as they were his family. He wasn’t, the rest of the group weren’t, they were just his colleagues and friends. And some pretty shitty friends at that, if you asked Taeil.

“So, what does that mean, exactly?” Mark asked. He kept standing up, leaning his back against the opposite wall. He was too nervous to sit down. Donghyuck sat on the floor by his feet, and he was sleeping, leaning on his legs. The poor boy had cried so much he could barely open his eyes.

“He… He lost a lot of blood. His hands are pretty damaged, he might have trouble using them like he used to, in the future, but only time can tell. He is still unconscious. The doctors are suspecting some sort of brain damage as well, but they can’t be sure before he wakes up”

“But he will wake up, right?” It was Yuta. He had stayed the most level headed during the whole thing, ordering them around first to save Jungwoo and then keeping them hydrated and sane in the hospital. He was the only person Taeil could look into the eyes of anymore.

“Yeah, he should”

…

Kun looked so pale Sicheng feared he would pass out. Dejun carefully took the phone from his hand and Guanheng ushered him to sit down. The elder basically slumped on the sofa, all strength leaving his body.

“Jungwoo is in the hospital”, he said. The other WayV members who were lying in the living room, lazing around after breakfast and waiting for the manager to come to pick them up, shared a look. The NCT members visited the nearby health center every other day, as they got injured fairly often and they got sick easier as they were constantly running on too little sleep and on the verge of malnutrition. But Kun seemed way too serious for that to be the reason.

“What, why? Did something happen?” Xuxi asked, his worry growing quickly. Jungwoo, Lucas, and Kun had been inseparable during their trainee days up until debut and still were very close. Neither of them had talked about Jungwoo feeling unwell lately.

“He… He cut his wrists open. He attempted suicide”. Lucas gasped loudly and Dejun covered his mouth with his hands. That was something none of them would have expected. Sicheng sat down next to Kun and wordlessly wrapped him to a hug. The elder stayed frozen at first, but he accepted Sicheng’s closeness. He was under so much pressure with being a leader, but this was one of those moments when he was allowed to feel, to not think straight. Jungwoo was his friend. They all knew him but Kun and Lucas knew him best, and now he was in the hospital because he hadn’t wanted to live anymore. How were they supposed to react to that?

“Wait, he is still alive, right? He has to be, right?” Lucas asked, unmoving, waiting for answers. Kun nodded but didn’t let go of Sicheng.

“Yeah. Taeyong said he is unconscious but stable.”

“Okay, I’m going there, which hospital did you say he was in?”

“Lucas, I’m not sure it’s a good id-”

“I’m fucking _GOING_”, he growled and Kun flinched in Sicheng’s arms. Lucas never raised his voice, ever. He realized his mistake immediately, and his face fell.

“I- I’m going to wait for the manager in the staircase”, and he turned to leave. Dejun spared them a glance and hurried after him, Guanheng and Yangyang right behind him. Kun finally leaned his forehead on Sicheng’s shoulder and took an unsteady breath.

“What the hell”, Kun swore quietly, and Sicheng rubbed his back. “What are we even supposed to do? What… Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know”, Sicheng answered. He remembered seeing Jungwoo only two weeks prior, looking healthy as ever and smiling at him just like he used to. Maybe he had looked a bit tired. But that was nothing new. Except…

No.

It couldn’t be that.

...

“He is awake now”, it was Jungwoo’s father who delivered the news to 127. It was far into the day now, most of the people who had first come to the hospital had gone back to sleep after they had been assured that Jungwoo was doing okay. And he was, physically. Mentally… Well, no one really knew. Donghyuck was still there, and so were Johnny, Lucas, Kun, Taeyong, and Taeil himself. They all stood up upon hearing his words, but none of them dared to show signs of relief, as Jungwoo's father didn't either. The middle-aged man had a tight smile on his face.

“I’m sure he would like to see you now”.

As the bunch hurried after Jungwoo’s father to see Jungwoo, Taeil stayed behind and Taeyong stayed with him. Taeil had encouraged him to go, being the official leader and all, but Taeyong had called bullshit and stayed. It wasn’t like Jungwoo would need him any more than anyone else, they could go meet him together once the others were done. He had known Taeil had something really heavy on his heart.

“Spill it hyung”, Taeyong said in a comforting tone, when the others had left. “I know something is bothering you, you have to talk to someone”

“Well, yeah, Jungwoo just tried to fucking kill himself”

“You know what I mean hyung”, he said. “There is something else there as well, am I right?”

Taeil hid his face in his hands, but Taeyong never let go of him. Taeyong might be younger than him but he had matured so much, he actually felt older than him now. Taeil had always had trouble figuring out where their relationship lied and who was responsible over whom. Their age difference wasn’t that big anyway, Taeil wanted so badly to let it go. Maybe he might. He didn’t even feel like he deserved to be the hyung anymore. He wanted to tell him everything, just like he should have done ages ago.

“Jungwoo and I, we… We were together”. Taeil felt tears in his eyes the moment he said his name. Knowing he was awake lifted a heavy burden from his heart, and it was only now that he allowed himself to really internalize what had happened.

“When you found him?” Taeyong asked.

“No, not that, but… We were _together_ together, fooling around, in a relationship, however you want to call it”

“Oh.”

That _oh_ said a lot. Taeil didn’t expect him to understand right away, he had trouble coming to terms with his sexuality as well. Especially while living so close to many other boys, coming out just never seemed like an option. They hadn’t really talked about sex that much, and Taeil knew that none of them were homophobic as the cuddle culture was pretty much out there, but they had never discussed it further to actually know, what the other people thought of it. Of some of them maybe being... gay. And having serious homosexual relationships. But Taeyong didn’t pull away from him so he continued.

“Ever since the end of the tour. I know Jungwoo went through hard times but I didn’t know just how serious it all was. I just thought it was the nerves, you know? Since he had just debuted and all”

Taeyong rubbed his back but didn’t say a word. He listened, he let Taeil go at his own pace and that was what he needed the most at the moment. He thought to Jungwoo, who had to face them all again, and explain why he had done what he had. He would have to stay, even though he had wanted to leave. He would have to suffer to get better, he would have so much healing to do and every single one of them would have to support him unconditionally on that journey if he let them. Unlike they had done before. “

I just… I was the closest to him, in a way. I should have taken better care of him. But he seemed so happy, I had no idea he was planning something like this”

“He hid it well”, Taeyong agreed. “Don’t blame yourself, he obviously didn’t want you to know”

Taeil had never felt so powerless.

…

_“He was so pale and quiet, just lying there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that” _

Sicheng hummed as he stirred the soup. He had stayed behind with the WayV kids as Kun and Lucas had rushed to the hospital. Chenle and Renjun were hanging out in the WayV dorm as well, shaken with the news and unable to focus on practice. Luckily the managers gave them this one day off. They were all unsure of what to do. Jungwoo could have become another tragedy of SM, making the whole nation question the means of the company yet again. But he had survived - so, the management could easily hide what had happened and save their asses, if they did everything right. Most NCT members had already sworn their secrecy, but there were other things that had to be taken care of as well.

“Give him time”, Sicheng answered. Kun usually had no trouble staying level headed but this was too personal. He had left a recipe for Sicheng to follow before rushing out and that was what he was doing, preparing a decent soup for the gang that kept getting bigger all the time as more dreamies walked in, wishing for some emotional support. Normally they would have just ordered takeout but Sicheng wanted to do something, occupy his mind and hands. No one knew what to think, how to act, some of them didn’t even want to visit Jungwoo in fear of possibly saying something wrong. They were all thinking back to every moment in time when they could have possibly hurt him. No one was able to actually provide answers to them about why Jungwoo had done what he had, not even Kun who had called Sicheng the moment he stepped out of Jungwoo’s room.

Renjun was sitting at the kitchen table, playing mindlessly with his phone but obviously listening to the phone call. The rest of the kids were somewhere else - maybe comforting each other, who knew. Sicheng knew that Renjun was one of those people who seemed quite cold but actually hid many of his worries into his heart. Sicheng had learned how to talk to him and make him open up, so he was glad that the younger came to him. Most people in NCT knew how to talk about their feelings so that nothing could pile up. Renjun was different in a way, that he could speak about aliens and the meaning of the universe for hours on end but his actual feelings were left untouched, not always treated in time. Sicheng was similar. And apparently, Jungwoo was too.

_“Yeah, he needs that. But he wouldn’t talk back like he used to. It was kind of like… like a part of him was just gone. Dead.” _

“Maybe he’s still out of it. Taeyong said he was put on pain medication, he is still recovering”

_“Yeah, yeah. Gosh, I just want to get out of this place, but it hurts me to know that he will have to stay. They are going to keep an eye on him” _

“Good, someone should”, Sicheng lifted the pot from the stove and turned the power off. He had his phone pressed between his ear and shoulder uncomfortably. “Someone professional”.

He ended the phone call with Kun and retold it to Renjun. The younger looked thoughtful, fiddling with the phone in his hands. Sicheng sat down at the table as well. The day had been so long, even if he had spent most of it inside. The air was heavy everywhere.

“Do you think Jungwoo is going to leave now?” Renjun asked quietly. Sicheng leaned his cheek against his hand as he looked at Renjun.

“I don’t know”, that was a sentence he had repeated many times during the past hours. “Maybe. He obviously didn’t want to live like this anymore so”

“But wouldn’t that only destroy him further?” Renjun continued. “He could have discussed his contract if he wanted to leave, or take a break or something, I’m sure that the company could have helped him if he asked for it! I mean, if he was really struggling so much…”

“Yeah maybe he just didn’t think about it”,_ but thought about death instead?_ "Depression can be a vicious disease"

Sicheng wanted to say something that would help Renjun understand, but he didn’t understand either. In 2019 Sicheng had really stepped up his game as an older brother in the group and made sure that the younger ones were well taken care of, but now he was utterly powerless.

“I know that. But he was living his_ dream_”, Renjun sounded so frustrated. “I mean, none of us really knew what we were getting into but he trained for longer than either of us. He saw people debut and face the pain that idol life threw upon us and still wanted it. He was so happy after debuting. Why would he suddenly… Why would he suddenly just fall? If living his dream wasn't enough reason for him to live then... how could anything else ever be?”

Some things just didn’t make sense. Both Sicheng and Renjun knew that much. But Sicheng couldn’t brush this feeling from his shoulders that maybe there was something there that none of them saw or understood.

But he maybe did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah okay I just can't make myself to like this one but okay. I wanted to introduce the rest of the point of views I want to explore during this story and here they are. I'm going to write lots and lots because I'm currently in quarantine (yayy) so I'm going to post more stories and projects soon! Stay tuned and stay SAFE, see you soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back! I kinda lost interest to this story for a while but I picked it back up so let's go!

“Hey, Jungwoo? Are you still awake?”

Jungwoo was just about to blow up - his room had become like a busy train station and a meeting place. The repeating patterns and questions, the careful glances and red eyes that had cried because of him. Jungwoo was so tired, but he still felt like screaming. He was constantly on edge as his parents and the NCT members kept taking turns in his room and crying against the bed. He hated it, he didn’t want to face any of them anymore.

Jungwoo hated it. He hated it all. He hated that he had to wake up, he hated that he couldn’t move his hands, he hated that people looked at him teary-eyed and tired and he hated how empty he still felt. He felt nauseous and dizzy and people kept brushing his hair and telling him that everything would be okay. He couldn’t even wash himself, he couldn’t do much at all and he was constantly in pain.

The reason he didn’t get angry was, though, that the person at the door was a fresh face this time.

“Hyung? What are you doing here?”

Sicheng smiled at him a little and stepped in. It had been a few weeks since Jungwoo had seen him last, and even then, the elder had just nodded at him in the hallway before rushing back to dance practice. He was one of the last people in NCT whom Jungwoo would expect to visit him. Come to think of it, he probably was one of the last ones indeed - but Jungwoo hadn’t expected him to come at all, not really.

“I came to see how you’re doing”, Sicheng said, sitting beside the bed. He looked up to the many colorful flowers on Jungwoo’s desk, and Jungwoo followed his gaze - the little dot of light and colors looked very nice but it annoyed Jungwoo to no end. People were just throwing their money away to dead plants, for him - for no reason. 

Sicheng’s hair was colored a light shade of caramel, the sun glimmered on it from between the white curtains. He was wearing a blue jacket and a black face mask that he now pulled under his chin. Even with no makeup on he looked handsome

So much better than Jungwoo in every way…

“Have been better”

“I know”, Sicheng said. Unlike the others, he seemed quite normal - well, as normal as he could be, sitting there and talking to Jungwoo whom he had never really been close to. But there was no panic or sadness, _ pity _ in his eyes. He wasn’t nervous, or apologetic, or scared of what Jungwoo would do next. He was just his quiet self. And Jungwoo appreciated that more than ever.

“I’m glad you’re still here though”, Sicheng continued. Jungwoo could only hum at that - he couldn’t exactly say the same. He could admit now, after a couple of days, that he had acted without thinking too much and that being given a second chance was a privilege not many people got. It felt good, in some twisted way, to see people’s genuine reactions and finally see how much they cared about him. Yet, it only made the black knot of quilt and shame grow in his stomach, and make him nauseous in different ways.

Because he had made the others worry so much over him. He should have been more mindful of them, but he had been selfish and just cut his wrists open in their shared bathroom. Someone was bound to be scarred for life, yet he hadn’t cared. His parents would have been so sad to see him gone, yet he hadn’t cared about them either.

The pain he constantly felt had been blinding. But now he had to face not only that again, but also the result of his actions - he had to face the pain of the people he had wanted to leave behind. Not the full-on version, but still enough to make him suffer even more. And what for?

He had nothing left. He would have to live for other people now when all he had wanted was to die for himself.

“Listen, Jungwoo”, Sicheng’s voice pulled him away from his thoughts, and Jungwoo turned to look at him instead of the white roses. Sicheng’s expression was unreadable, but it was a bit softer now. “I haven’t really been a good hyung to you”

There it was. The same sentence he had heard over and over again, from so many people before him. It was one of the sentences he hated the most because everyone who had said it only blamed themselves for what Jungwoo had done. Seeing them in pain hurt Jungwoo even more because all he had wanted was to end the pain, and now he had to see it multiply and multiply with no end.

“Hyung, don’t-”

“No, it’s not what you think it is”, Sicheng put his hand up to prevent Jungwoo from continuing. “I wanted to let you know that I never blamed you. For anything, ever.”

That made Jungwoo quiet down._ How did he know? _

When Jungwoo didn’t say anything, Sicheng continued.

“I know it must have been hard for you, to jump into an established group and not really have the time to be a rookie properly. I saw the comments - _ lies _\- they made about you after I left, yet I never confronted you about them. I should have talked to you much earlier, but I was an idiot. I’m sorry, Jungwoo”

Jungwoo shook his head violently.

“No no no, it wasn’t your fault. You don’t need to be sorry”

“It wasn’t your fault either”, Sicheng insisted. He took Jungwoo’s hand, and that was yet another gesture he rarely initiated. Jungwoo looked down at his bandages and closed his eyes.

“You were so natural, so out-going and charming and talented from the very start. I never realized that you are just like the rest of us, affected by the public. You seemed like an unstoppable force of nature ever since you stepped on the stage for the first time - ever since I saw you in the practice room for the first time, actually. You did such a good job hiding your pain, I kind of hate you for that since it prevented people from taking action sooner. You were never supposed to keep it all in and face it alone”.

Sicheng kept stumbling over his Korean but Jungwoo understood everything. He felt tears forming in his eyes, for the first time since he had woken up in the hospital - for the first time in _months._ Sicheng embraced him and Jungwoo felt his body tremble as the first sob escaped his lips. For the first time since the incident, or possibly in months, he could let go and just cry. Just let it all out. And Sicheng held him, he stayed strong and didn’t crumble under fear or self-blame.

And they just stayed there for a while. A nurse came to ask if they were okay but Sicheng assured them that they were. Jungwoo hadn’t felt small in anyone’s arms in a while, but Sicheng did a good job of making him feel safe. People rarely saw Sicheng as he was, not just a cute boy but one of the older NCT members who took care of the people younger than them whenever he could. 

“I don’t know if you knew this since I never told you, but 127 was never going to be the endgame for me”, Sicheng whispered after Jungwoo’s sobs had quieted down a bit. He didn’t comment on it, just reached for a tissue on the bedside table and handed it to Jungwoo. He still had a bit trouble making his fingers work as he wanted them to, but he tapped his eyes dry as he listened to Sicheng who stayed close, sitting on the bed next to him.

“I was supposed to debut with the China unit from the very start. I was only put into 127 because they wanted to expand the group, and start adding Chinese members to NCT bit by bit, to make our faces familiar to the public”, Sicheng told him, with no pain in his voice. “My singing, rapping and Korean were all so bad back then, the only reason why I was picked above Kun was that I was skinny enough and my dance style fit the group better. Talk about superficiality and good luck”

Jungwoo was gaping at him, trying to comprehend what he was saying. So, it wasn’t his fault that Sicheng was out?

“I was paid the least because I did the least. And I did the least because I lacked the skills that the others had. I was glad I got the chance to start early, and I really only felt sorry for the fans who constantly cried for me. My job was to fill a place for a while. If we want to call someone a replacement or whatever, then it was actually me who was keeping a spot warm until I was called to do what I was actually_ hired _ to do.”

_ How did he know? _Sicheng dried the last of Jungwoo’s tears as Jungwoo looked down. They still held hands. Jungwoo had always regretted hugging Sicheng in the past or touching him at all since he had felt so guilty. Sicheng usually never initiated skinship and Jungwoo knew that he himself could be too much sometimes. Too much when he shouldn’t be, too little when he should have been more. Never good enough. 

He had tried so much to be good enough. But he just couldn’t be. He had tried to hide his pain but apparently, that hadn’t worked out either since Sicheng had just walked in and just known everything. If he knew, everyone else had to as well. Jungwoo had felt bad before, now he also felt embarrassed. He was being childish.

“What are you thinking?” Sicheng asked when Jungwoo didn’t answer after a while.

“How do you know all of this?” Jungwoo finally asked. “Did someone ask you to say this to me?”

“No”, Sicheng answered. “And I don’t really know what’s going on with you and I’m not the person you would talk to about all this anyway, but I just felt like I should have been there for you more - we should have stuck together. I came to see if I could do it now if it’s not too late”

Too late. Yeah, that might be a problem. Because the staff in SM had probably terminated his contract already, just waiting outside the hospital for him to sign it and they would wash their hands off everything that had to do with Jungwoo - one more failed idol.

So, yeah, Jungwoo’s time in the company was basically ending as they spoke. So, there wasn’t much to do about it.

“Thank you, hyung”, Jungwoo said, and he meant it. He might not believe everything that the older had said, but he appreciated the effort. No one had (probably) forced him to come. Maybe he would get his own closure this way. That would be nice. Jungwoo would be happy to provide him that much, after everything that had happened.

Sicheng just shook his head.

“There is no reason to thank me”, he said. “You should have heard this ages ago”

Jungwoo could protest but he knew Sicheng would just shake his head and deny everything, so he didn’t. Instead, he looked at their intertwined hands and enjoyed the quietness with Sicheng.

There was one more thing I wanted to let you know”, Sicheng said after a while and Jungwoo looked back up. There was determination in his eyes that Jungwoo only saw before he stepped on stage to do what he had been trained to do.

“The SM staff is going to come to visit you as soon as the hospital gives them permission. And if you still want this, as I think you do, don’t let them kick you away.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wohoo, it's so sunny today, I could sit on the balcony without a jacket on! I hope you're all doing okay!

_ They say that it’s easier if you have a stage name. It’s easier to separate who you are in front of the cameras and who you are off-camera like that. Because you will change, not only between each personality. It’s impossible to remain the same person that you were before debuting. We are constantly changing, but you have to make sure you change in the right direction - whatever that is. _

_ Don’t let fame get into your head. Don’t let hate drown you. Don’t let any kind of comments affect you. You are allowed to listen to the right amount of support and encouraged to take in the right amount of criticism, but… what is the right amount?  _

_ Separate who you are and who you act as. Because they are not the same. One of them receives the strongest waves of hate and passion. You have to build it out of stone and store your heart inside those walls so that it remains untouched by all that. Grow purely. _

_ Hendery, Lucas, Winwin, Haechan… are different from Guanheng, Yukhei, Sicheng, Donghyuck.  _

_ Jungwoo… Jungwoo. _

_ Kim Jungwoo Kim Jungwoo Kim Jungwoo Kim Jungwoo Kim Jungwoo _

_ Try to leave idol Kim Jungwoo behind. Leave him, he won’t die if you leave him. Go home, get to know 22-year-old Kim Jungwoo from Gimpo again. The one who is just a human, who was working for a company that drained him out and has to now return home to heal. Kim Jungwoo who is more than a cute face and has many interests, not just dancing and singing but also cheesecake and cartoons and soccer. Jungwoo, who is a good son, who wants to make his parents proud but has a hard time understanding that his mother would be happy just knowing that his son is doing alright. _

_ Because that is enough. If he just makes enough money to live comfortably, if he wakes up and doesn’t hate his life. If he is content and healthy. That can be enough. _

_ Go home Jungwoo. Find yourself again. Heal.  _

...

Jungwoo had to learn how to live again.

After a long discussion with the company - that had been just as ready to kick Jungwoo out as he had expected - they had come up with a compromise. The higher-ups kept repeating how they hated to see yet another idol almost pass away and they only wanted what was the best for Jungwoo in the future (as if). They suggested that the idol lifestyle was maybe not the best for Jungwoo’s health, and although it looked like the truth, Jungwoo knew better. 

Being an idol was the only thing he had lived for, for years now - being on stage was all he had ever wanted. Right now, when he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to live anymore, the only thing that would make his decision waver was the burst of happiness that getting on stage used to give him in the past. He wanted to feel that again if he could. If he had to stay, he would want to live for that.

So, he had a bunch of people there to defend him. Sicheng had helped him make a plan which resulted in Kun, Jaehyun, and Doyoung sitting there beside him in the meeting room. The reason for picking these three had been quite easy - they were the ones who supported Jungwoo staying in the group and were good talkers, people that the management really liked. (yes, Kun has proven his worth and was now definitely in the management’s good graces)

The others had been more troubled. Taeyong and Yuta had asked him multiple times if he was sure that he wanted to stay, that maybe going home for good would be better for him. He could be happier there. They were scared he would do it again and okay, for a good reason. Donghyuck had hugged him for a long time and made Jungwoo promise that he would stay alive, no matter what it would take.

So, a compromise. Management gave him a deal, but it wasn’t an easy one.

Jungwoo would have to take some time off - it was an obvious one, there was no question that he needed it. He would have to meet mental health professionals hired by SM during his time off and ONLY if they showed a green light to the management, would he be able to come back. 

So, Jungwoo went back home, to live with his parents for the time being. 

He had been so sure that his parents wouldn't want him back. Even after having to comfort his mother for hours in the hospital and seeing his father treat him softer than ever before, he hadn't been sure of their feelings. But his father picked him up from the hospital and drove him home. Not even via the dorm, but just straight home. 

“I don't want you to go back there”, his father said, when they had pulled to the highway. Jungwoo had been staring out the window, so he turned to look at him. 

“You can't control my life”, Jungwoo said, just like he had many times before when he had been younger. However, there was no fire or determination in his voice now. It was bland, tired. 

“I know I can’t”, his father sighed, having expected that. His tone wasn't attacking anyway. “I just want you to think again.  _ Really _ think about it. You’re still young, you can still come back and try something else”

Jungwoo turned back to the window. It was cloudy, it could start raining at any time. It had rained the last time he had been at Gimpo as well, almost a year ago. Jungwoo had never particularly liked rain but now it felt nice. It was like he belonged to that weather now. Sun annoyed him - he couldn't be that bright anymore, it made him feel miserable. He felt gray inside, so he felt comfortable in the grayness. 

“I know”, he said quietly. “I _have_ thought about it. This is all I will ever want”

“But it nearly killed you”, Jungwoo’s father had always been plain-spoken. Jungwoo knew he was right, but he didn't want to think like that himself. He had given his everything to becoming a star. And now… 

He didn't answer that. He didn’t need to.

“I don't want you to die for that. It’s not worth it. I don’t care what you do for a living but I want you to be happy doing it. This is not making you happy”

“I know”, Jungwoo said. He couldn’t say that he really knew, but maybe he should start believing his parents. His father had said that he was too soft for the music industry. He had been right, up until now. But Jungwoo would be stronger, he would prove himself and everyone else that he was able to do it, and stay healthy and happy through it all.

Some day, he would.

When they pulled to his house, his mother was standing outside, waiting for them. But she wasn’t alone.

“Noona!” His sister was already crying when she ran to the car and embraced Jungwoo. She was tall for a woman but still fell a bit shorter than Jungwoo. She pulled him down and cried, and Jungwoo felt tears in his own eyes as well - that happened a lot lately. He hadn’t seen his sister for nearly a year, and he hadn’t even realized how much he had missed her before finding himself in her arms.

“How could you do something so stupid?!” She sobbed and hit his chest with her fists. It wasn’t painful, but Jungwoo got the message.

“I’m sorry, noona, I’m so sorry”, he answered. His sister hugged him even tighter.

“You have so much to live for. Fuck your company, fuck your fans, fuck your stupid group mates, fuck them all”, his sister could be really scary if she tried to, she was a perfect contrast to Jungwoo who couldn’t be intimidating even if his life depended on it. But she was crying too hard right now. “They don’t deserve you, don’t EVER do something as stupid again, we’ve got you Jungwoo”

“I know”, Jungwoo said quietly. “I’m so sorry for forgetting that.”

Going back home felt… Jungwoo didn’t know how to put it down to words. In a way it was comfortable, getting to eat his mom’s cooking and sleep alone in his bed was nice, it brought back memories that he had thought he had forgotten for good. But at the same time he felt bad - his mother was keeping an eye on him, coming to his room to check on him hourly and his father tried to talk to him more often, include him in his chores after work and try to have those man to man talks he had never really had with Jungwoo before he had left.

He didn’t want to cause extra stress to his parents. But just them knowing what he had done was probably going to keep them on their toes for the rest of their lives.

His daily schedule was so empty, he felt restless. He had been so busy the past few years, and now he was just lying in his bed. He went to see the SM psychiatrists two times a week, and he tried to help his mother with grocery shopping and his father with fixing the car and whatever he could to keep himself occupied. His hands were still partially covered, he kept stretching his fingers and trying to work on his old Rubik's cube just to work on his dexterity. The nerves on his hands had been damaged badly. He would probably never use his hands completely like he used to.

Not to even mention the scars. They would be on his wrists forever. Jungwoo didn’t know what to think about them yet, since he wore long sleeves anyway, and they were still in the process of healing. But they would never heal completely. He would always have marks of what he tried to do.

His psychiatrists prescribed him with antidepressants and he ate them every morning. It would take a while before they would start working and at first, they only made him feel worse. Dizzy, nauseous, insomniac and sad.

But he would deal with it. He was at home now, he had to assure his mother that he was alright.

He dyed his hair black again after two years. He had grown to like the lighter colors that his stylists granted him, but if he wanted to go out, he couldn’t have the blonde. It attracted too much attention. He stared at his face in the morning, brushing his damaged hair to the side after showering.

His appearance hadn’t changed much over the past few years. It wasn’t supposed to either, he had lost all extra weight he had had at the beginning of his trainee life and had maintained that until now. His face had matured maybe a little, and the work that the company had done to his eyes and nose at the very start of his career had almost faded away by now. SM liked to get temporary beauty surgeries done to their artists, fillers, so that they stayed versatile and changeable.

Jungwoo could do anything he wanted to his face now, he realized. In a way, he was free now. What could he do though?

He had never been allowed to grow facial hair. First not in school and then as a trainee and idol. What would he look like with some? He could try now. Jungwoo had never really cared about that, but just the knowledge that he could just… let his face be for however long he wanted to, was kind of nice.

So he let it be. After a week he shaved it off though - facial hair didn’t suit him. But it had been an experiment. 

“Hey, Jungwoo, how’s it going?”

Kun was trying so hard to sound casual, Jungwoo couldn't help but feel fond of him. Kun had suddenly become a father of five, plus Ten (aka the leader of WayV) and although he had always doted on the dreamies and looked after them, he had never really been like that with him. Of course, Kun looked after him like a good hyung should, but he was more like a friend than anything else.

A stressed, overworked, worrywart hyung.

“I’m okay”

“Are you, really?” Kun asked, as though that would make Jungwoo spill everything to him. Maybe a few years ago he would have. Jungwoo stared at the ceiling, lying on his bed, and took a deep breath.

“Yeah, I am. I'm not completely okay yet, but considering the situation I’m alright”

“Okay”, Kun answered. He took his time too, to think of what he would say. Kun was one of the few who called him regularly after he had left the hospital, but he made sure to extend everyone else’s greetings; _ Lucas says hi! Renjun and Chenle just came by and they told me to tell you to eat a lot of oranges! They have a lot of vitamins in them! Oh, and Taeyong and Ten said sorry they couldn’t call but they’re working really hard on SuperM so that's why. Oh, and the hyungs of Super M also heard about your break. Don’t worry, they don’t know the details but they hope you get well soon!  _

Jungwoo had never shied away from being the center of attention. Now… he didn’t know how to feel. Jaehyun texted him daily and so did Doyoung and Lucas. And even Sicheng. But if Sicheng’s spoken Korean was bad, his spelling was a nightmare. But it warmed Jungwoo’s heart to see him try so hard.

People were trying now, much harder, to make sure he was okay. It kind of felt nice because they really didn’t have to, but at the same time he didn’t like the feeling it left at the back of his mind. Because they were only caring about him now because he had done something so awful. Maybe Jungwoo needed a lot of positive attention - _too much_ attention to feel okay about himself. When he wasn’t getting it, he fell. That didn’t sound mature at all, no one else should be responsible over him than he himself. 

Jungwoo didn’t feel like he had matured during his time at the company. It was almost like he was stuck to the age he started at, to his late teens, and he had only toughened and not grown. He hadn't had time to grow when he was only sitting in cars and planes and dancing and singing and exercising. 

Maybe he could do it now.

“We love you, Jungwoo. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I do”, Jungwoo smiled a little. He didn’t feel that smile in his heart yet but he was taking baby steps. Fake it till you make it - maybe someday he would again. “I love you too”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again everyone! I know, it’s been a long time - I kind of abandoned my other works for ‘Found Ya’ for a while, because that one is so much easier to write. This one is heavy. But I still like it very much so I’m working on it slowly but steadily. Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me and gives me the motivation to try my very best.

“Oh god, Jungwoo. I was so worried, don’t ever do something like that again”

Silence.

“Jungwoo, baby, I love you so much”

Silence.

“We will get through this together, I promise, we’ll be next to you through thick and thin”

Silence.

Taeil hugged Jungwoo as tightly as he could and fought his tears.

…

_ Give him time Taeil. _

“Do you want to break up? Is that it?”

_ Don’t push him. He is hurt. _

“I really don’t care hyung”

“Stop saying that!” Taeil yelled and Jungwoo startled a little. “Stop fucking saying that!”

“Sorry”, Jungwoo looked down to his hands. Taeil felt bad immediately. He was in no place to demand anything from Jungwoo. The boy had been through a traumatic experience, Taeil didn’t know what that was like. But being so far away from him despite having him right there was driving him mad - he felt so useless, hopeless.

“I just… were we ever even really together?” Jungwoo’s voice was so small and fragile Taeil wasn’t sure if he had heard it right. Jungwoo’s face stayed the same, kind of sad and kind of empty, so he couldn’t tell from that either.

Jungwoo used to be so full of expression, like the main lead of Shakespearean theatre production, every single day. Now he was just empty. And seeing it hurt Taeil so much.

“What do you mean? Of course, we were! We _are_!” 

“Okay”, Jungwoo nodded his head just a little. 

Taeil had to get out of there, the heavy air was suffocating him.

…

“I’ll come again tomorrow. I’ll bring you the hoodie”

“Mmh”

“Do you not want me to come?”

“I...”  _ really don’t care _ “Do as you like”

...

The times that Taeil had seen the younger in the hospital kept playing in his head.

Jungwoo had left. One day, he had been lying on the hospital bed like he was already dead inside, his eyes red from crying with everyone except him - because with Taeil he didn’t show any emotions at all. And the next day, he was just gone.

He had gone to Gimpo, where his family lived - so not that far geographically. But it felt like he was a million worlds away now. He hadn’t said anything to Taeil despite obviously knowing that he would leave soon. He had just gone.

“He is at home now”, it was Johnny this time, who comforted Taeil. “It’s the best place he could be in. His parents will take good care of him”

The rest of 127 had gone to bed a long time ago, and Johnny was only in the kitchen with Taeil because he had gone to the gym very late. Taeil was drinking tea, unable to sleep. He had even bought a brand that should help with insomnia specifically, yet he still couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been able to for days now, not after finding Jungwoo bloody and unconscious in the bathroom. He had seen Jungwoo alive in the hospital, but he still couldn’t calm his mind. The Jungwoo he had met in the hospital was not the Jungwoo he had known before… Before...

“I know”, Taeil didn’t really know. He had thought  _ they _ had been Jungwoo’s family, yet he had almost died under their noses. “I’m still shaken about this, that’s all”   


“Maybe you should go see a psychologist as well? To clear your mind a bit?” Johnny closed the fridge and sat down opposite of Taeil at the table. His hair was still wet from the shower he had taken after coming home from the gym. 

SM had provided them with psychologists. They had been more conscious about mental health lately, but still, they hadn’t been able to take care of Jungwoo. Taeil couldn’t blame them though - he had failed as well, and he had been much closer. Anyway, the members had gotten consultation after Jungwoo’s… episode, and many of them had taken the opportunity, much to Taeil’s surprise. Donghyuck, Mark, and Taeyong had gotten counseling right away, and even Doyoung and Jaehyun were planning to go soon. Johnny and Yuta had hit the gym more, and Taeil could imagine them talking to each other, helping one another to process and overcome what had happened.

Because they had all been there. Doyoung and Taeyong had pressed the towels against Jungwoo’s wrists as Yuta had called the ambulance. Taeil wasn’t exactly sure of what the others were doing but they were there, yelling over each other, trying to save Jungwoo, not knowing why exactly he was dying in the first place.

In the end, they all had blood on their hands, knees, and each of them had to wash it out before going to the hospital themselves. Donghyuck had been in shock, Mark had nearly fainted at the sight of so much blood and no one had known what to do. Yuta had pulled Taeil off from the floor, where he had been kneeling on the bathroom carpet soaked in Jungwoo’s blood, and forced him to shower.

What was he supposed to think? What was he supposed to do?

How could he fix something that couldn’t be seen? He could only trust in Jungwoo’s word and knowing that he had been lying and faking his smile all this time… how could he ever trust him again? Taeil had really cared about him, but now he didn’t even know if the person he had fallen in love with was real. 

In a way, Taeil hoped that Jungwoo would just go home and never come back. It would be easier for everyone that way.

Taeil hated himself for thinking that way. He hated himself for many things.

“Hyung? I’m worried about you”

_ You are? To be honest, I’m worried about myself too. _

It felt like life had stopped in a way. But it still really hadn’t. They were constantly running, Dream was busy with promoting their comeback and the preparations for Super M were on the final stages. They spent a whole day in ISACs and that was the first time that fans asked for Jungwoo. No one was allowed to say anything, Taeil forced a smile when in reality he felt like screaming at the fans hiding behind their face masks  _ \- You were the ones to question Jungwoo, you were the ones that made him doubt everything about himself. Take some responsibility. _

Taeil just wanted someone to blame. He loved Jungwoo, he couldn’t blame him because he knew Jungwoo didn’t want to die. No one in their right minds would want to die. He wanted to look at someone and point his finger, knowing that his anger was directed at the right place.

But there was no one. Nothing. He couldn’t scream at Jungwoo, he couldn’t scream at the management, he couldn’t scream at himself or anyone else. He _ could _ scream at the managers like he had done back during their American tour when he had heard that they were abusing Jungwoo, but he knew that they weren’t to blame either. Not fully. Because they hit them all now and then, they were always on edge too. If the idols performed badly, the managers got hurt the most. The idols just had to endure that.

Who had hurt Jungwoo so badly that he would rather want to die than talk about it?

It was the illness.

But where had it come from?

It didn’t need a reason.

Just because Jungwoo’s brain had failed to produce some hormones like, dopamine, he had slashed his wrists open. He could have talked to someone, he could have talked to Taeil, they had always talked about everything, right?

_ Were we ever really together, hyung? _

Did he think that he was just a hookup for Taeil? Did that hurt him? People hooked up all the time, and Taeil hadn’t thought too deeply about him and Jungwoo but… he had believed that they were something more. A bit more, at least.

Had Taeil taken advantage of Jungwoo when he had been weak? But how could he have known? He was older though.

“I’m really tired, Johnny”, Taeil said and stood up to pour his tea down the drain. It had gone cold already anyway. “I’m going to be okay when I’m able to sleep again”

“Okay”, Johnny didn’t sound like he believed him. “But still, hyung, you need to talk to someone. Don’t keep it in. It’s dangerous”   


“I know”, Taeil answered. “I swear, Johnny, that I know”

…

“You’re very important to me. Us. Stay safe, I love you!”

Sicheng eyed Kun as he finished the phone call. It was just the two of them left in Beijing while the rest of WayV had flown away before them already, Lucas and Ten to do Super M stuff and the rest back to the dorms. Sicheng cared about all of them of course, but especially now he preferred spending time with a smaller bunch of people.

It was easy to be with Kun. He didn't annoy him or try to touch him, the concept of personal space was the same for them both and they understood each other.

“They landed safely”, Kun said, although Sicheng had pretty much heard the whole phone call. Kun had talked with Ten and Lucas. He had called Dejun earlier as well, just to check on the younger ones. Kun preferred calls over texting because he could hear the reactions in real-time and read people’s emotions through their voices. He was good at that.

It was one of the reasons why he had been chosen to be the leader. His caring nature, his good nerves, and patience, as well as his age. Kun didn’t have the experience on stage that Sicheng and Ten or even Lucas did, but Kun wasn’t supposed to lead their performances - he was supposed to lead them everywhere else. Kun was emotionally smart, that made him good at the job that honestly wasn’t only a job to him anymore. He was the mother hen that they all needed.

However, it had been Dejun who had come up with the “love you” rule that Kun used devotedly. He had placed it in use right after Jungwoo’s… episode. According to that rule, you had to always remind the people you care about, with words, just how important they were to you. Kun ended every phone call with “I love you” now.

Using said phrase a lot could just reduce it’s meaning into nothingness if they just threw it here and there. That was what Sicheng had argued upon the invention of the new rule. But now, seeing Kun use it, he could see that the older really meant it. For some, love was too strong a term. For Kun, it was barely enough. He cared about everyone so much.

Still, Sicheng couldn’t help but think that Jungwoo had probably been told that phrase multiple times but it hadn’t prevented anything. Donghyuck had probably clung to him and Taeil had ruffled his hair, Jungwoo had been adored in 127, Sincheng had seen it. Still, that hadn’t saved the boy from… from himself.

Everyone in NCT was being more affectionate now. But Sicheng knew that it wouldn’t last, not like that. Eventually, people would get over what had happened and it would all return to normal. Or it would just become a new norm that would lose its meaning. If someone else wanted to do the same, they would find a way and no one could stop them.

But they could try to prevent anyone from feeling that way in the first place. If it gave people comfort, doing something like this, Sicheng wouldn’t want to take it away.

Sicheng texted people more now, he realized. He texted Renjun daily, he texted Yuta and Jungwoo too. It was the most difficult with Jungwoo because they hadn’t really had a proper friendship going on before he had left. But Jungwoo seemed to need someone to talk to - someone who hadn’t known him all that well, but still understood. He had his psychologists but it was different with them. They didn’t live like Jungwoo and Sicheng did. If Sicheng could help him by listening, then he would.

He was the hyung here, after all. Being the older brother in WayV had taught him a lot - watching Kun closely had taught him a lot. Sicheng had never been very close with his family growing up, so Sicheng had grown to be quite shy and maybe a bit distant - or, maybe the others in NCT were just very clingy. Anyway, Jungwoo needed emotional closeness now even though he was away physically, and Sicheng could imagine 127 being a mess since they had been so close to Jungwoo. Sicheng was good at keeping his head clear, keeping his emotions in check. If for the first time in NCT history  _ that  _ was what was required… then he was happy to provide his input.

_ The show must go on _ . NCT had to replace Jungwoo somehow and continue as though nothing had happened. Because they were entertainers - people turned to them when they wanted to escape their miserable realities, when they wanted to have fun or anything of the likes. It would be unfair of them to share such a heavy burden with people who didn’t have anything to do with their struggles. They all got acting training for a reason - their job was to make them happy. And Sicheng wouldn’t want his fans to see that he was hurt, either. He preferred keeping those things private.

For as long as he could remember, he had wanted to be a dancer. But, that wasn’t what he was now - no, he was an entertainer now. Although his work was similar - he did dance - the reality was different. There was a slight difference in the job description. In reality, his job was to seem happy and entertaining, provide performances that took exhausted people away from their miserable lives for a while. He had to be _ relatable. _

When in reality all of them were very exceptional people, who had never really had a normal life that they were singing about. Some of them had had the chance to be young for longer, but most had been working away from real life. And then they went to the interviews to talk about their songs as though they had a clue what they were talking about.

Love? 

He didn’t know anything about love.

…

_ “I can’t be with you before I’ve healed, hyung”, Jungwoo’s voice was so fragile and tired, Taeil wanted to hug him, kiss him, assure him that he was loved, and never let him go again.  _

_ But he couldn’t. Jungwoo was pushing him away. Despite being weak, lying on the bed unmoving, he was using all he had to push Taeil away. _

_ “I’m not sure if I ever will - be whole again”, the younger continued. “I can’t do this” _

_ “I know how you’re feeling”, Taeil didn’t, not really. He kissed Jungwoo’s knuckles that were visible from under his still thick bandages. “I know that you feel like you don’t deserve love when you have a hard time loving yourself but… But you do deserve love. It doesn’t matter how broken you feel you are, you deserve love, you  need love. Let me give it to you Jungwoo, I don’t want anything in return. Just let me be there for you, that’s all I ask of you” _

_ But Jungwoo hadn’t let him. _

_ “Let’s just break up hyung, this doesn’t make any sense anymore”. _

…

“Sicheng!” Kun yelled from the other side of the dorm. “Your phone!”

No one called him regularly, not even his mother. Sicheng got up from where he had been watching the TV with Yangyang and walked to the kitchen where Kun was currently stirring the kimchi fried rice. Guanheng was chopping the vegetables and Dejun worked as moral support, stealing a piece of carrot from Guanheng’s chopping board now and then. Sicheng’s phone was placed on the counter, he grabbed it and immediately answered it, after seeing the number.

“Jungwoo, hi”

The three other people in the room turned to look at him immediately but turned back to their tasks quickly. Jungwoo was a difficult topic for everyone because he was gone but at the same time, his absence was screaming for them. Not that much for WayV as 127, but they shared practice rooms and saw each other every day. Jungwoo was one of the loudest people, everyone could sense that him being gone had changed the dynamics.

“Um, hey, hyung”, Jungwoo sounded a bit uneasy but not in a concerning way. “I, um, can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure”, Sicheng answered as he walked out of the kitchen, away from the curious ears. “What is it?”

“Can you… can you come to visit me, someday? I know you must be busy but, if you have even a little time, could you? I know it’s a lot but I didn’t know who else to ask, I feel lonely and I-”

“Hey, hey hey”, Sicheng said, trying to calm Jungwoo down. It felt as though Jungwoo's stress could reach him from through the phone line, he didn’t want Jungwoo to overthink it. “I have to check with my manager, but I do have some time - I’ll see what I can do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take care, everyone, stay safe! I'll see you again soon! <3


End file.
